COLUMBUS _ ``The dollar’s
tanking,’’ Uncle Chet said during
dinner Saturday as we celebrated
the little miscreant’s 16th birthday.
``It’s dropping against the yen, the
yuan, the euro.’’
``May I have the cranberry
sauce?’’ Alice asked.
``It’s a little dollar, a weakling,’’
he said. ``Central banks are dumping
it, oil producers don’t want it.
The dollar’s becoming a pariah.’’
``It’s turning into a dime,’’ I said,
helping myself to chicken and rice.
``You’re right, and dimes aren’t
real money anymore,’’ he said.
``Ever drop one on the floor?’’
``Sounds like a slug,’’ I said.
``What’s a slug?’’ asked Buddy,
who’s in third grade.
``A fake coin,’’ I said. ``They used
to cut them out of steel and try
them in vending machines.’’
``But they don’t bother now,’’
Uncle Chet said. ``Our coins aren’t
worth counterfeiting
these
days.’’
``But the whole
world’s been in
recession,’’ Hon
said. ``Why’s the
dollar dropping?’’
``A lot of
reasons,’’ Uncle
Chet said. ``Only
we have a $12 trillion
debt. That’s
$40,000 owed by
every man, woman
and child in the
country on top
of their personal
debt. Do you think
we can pay off our
Chinese bankers?
The rest of the
world is betting
`no.’
``Only we have the most expensive
military in history, with troops in 120
countries and two losing occupations
to manage. Only we have the leastefficient
health care system in the
world, where providers and patients
struggle as middlemen pocket a fortune.
And only we’ve let our manufacturers
abandon us, so we really
have no way to get back into the trade
game, except to completely retool.’’
``It takes money to retool,’’ Hon
said.
``True,’’ Uncle Chet said. ``We
have no good options, but the
politicians don’t dare tell us that,
because it might lead to embarrassing
questions.’’
``It might lead to revolution,’’ I
said.
``It would lead to revolution if
they didn’t control the media,’’
Uncle Chet said. ``Can you imagine
if Fox went after the real traitors,
the one’s who voted for NAFTA
and greased the skids for jobs to
slide to China?’’
“Never happen,’’ I said.
``No, because Fox and its Fox-lite
competitors are run by the bigmonied
interests that profit from
America’s slide,’’ Uncle Chet said.
``There’s no allegiance to the flag of
the United States of America when
there’s a buck to be made.’’
``You mean a euro,’’ I said.
``Yes, unfortunately I do,’’ Uncle
Chet said. ``We’re well into the postnation-
state phase, where first loyalties
are to class, regardless of border.
It happened when capital poured
overseas in the ’90s and it’s happening
now in the currency world. You
can bet that the rich in all countries
are dumping dollars, and the vast
underclass _ what we used to call
the middle class here _ will be stuck
with them.’’
``Happy birthday to me,’’ the
little miscreant said. ``I turn 16 and
the world falls apart.’’
``Sorry about that. It just burns
me up to see what’s going on,’’
Uncle Chet said.
``I’m only kidding,’’ she said.
``Maybe we should change the
topic,’’ Alice said.
``Maybe we should give her her
present right now,’’ Uncle Chet
said, eyeing a card near his glass of
red wine.
``I think that’s a good idea.’’ The
girl brightened as he passed the
card to her.
``We may as well give her ours,
too,’’ Hon said, and another card
crossed the table.
``Shall we sing?’’ Alice said.
So we sang to the girl who’s
about to get her driver’s permit,
the little miscreant who’s little no
longer. And after the last note resonated,
she opened her mail.
The cards were funny, judging
from her expression as she read
them, and in each one were little
piles of greenbacks, which she
combined neatly, then stuffed into
her wallet.
``Thank you, everyone.’’ She
looked around the room. ``That is
just what I wanted, but next year, I
hope you’ll consider yen.’’
___
Cooperstown News Bureau Reporter
Tom Grace is traveling with
his Uncle Chet, who he says is imaginary.
Grace’s column appears every
other week.
