Somewhere in your inner ear, there
are some tubes that work like a gyroscope.
These tubes help you know
whether you are standing upright, lying
down or standing on your head. (I wonder
how they work down in Australia?)
While standing on your head, you will
notice that it is very difficult to walk
unless you have very large, strong, well coordinated
ears. Most people have
difficulty wriggling their ears let alone
teaching them to walk on them.
Imagine your mother’s surprise when
you ear-stroll into the kitchen and say
“Hey, mom, look at what I can do.”
Somehow my inner-ear gyroscope has
been broken. Normally this will cause
me to wobble from side-to-side as I
walk, bouncing off of hallway walls or,
under extreme conditions, falling over
or leaning like the Tower of Pisa.
Most people compensate when holding
conversations with me by tilting
their heads to one side or lying prone
on the floor with me depending on
where my broken gyroscope leads me.
Can you just picture me trying to walk
a straight line? “Honest ossifer I’m as
slober as a judge. My ears are making
me do this.” County jail, here I come!
I’ve been told that there are granules
running around
in those tubes in
our inner ear that
are instrumental
in maintaining our
balance.
In my case they
can be severely
influenced by high
and low pressure
fronts. There is
medicine that you
can take for this, but
it has a tendency to
make you sleepy.
This is fine if you
fall and are lying on
the floor _ you can
take a nap while you’re down there.
I found the answer to my dilemma by
using a “walker.” My “walker” has a
built-in seat so I can rest if I get weary.
With four wheels, it moves along quite
nicely and doesn’t make any scraping
noises like the wheel-less walkers that
have sliced tennis balls to protect the
supports from wearing down.
I’m so quiet with my walker that I
could be a spy. My only tell-tale giveaway
is the grinding all my joints make
when I move.
“OK, everybody be quiet, here comes
Geerken the spy.”
On my walker, the seat is high enough
where I have no difficulty trying to
stand up. When I used regular restaurant
seating I had to have Diane help
me up out of a seated position by holding
onto my lapels and yanking me to
my feet. It provided entertainment for
other dinners.
The reason why I need to do this is
that I need knee replacement but am
too “chicken” to get the job done. Like
Toyota, I expect a recall to my creator
any day now.
My walker has two hand brakes, so I
can hold myself from picking up speed
if I am going down hill.
The brakes are very essential if you
get to the crest of a hill and want to
hold your position for a moment. Without
them you could stagger backwards
and end up at the bottom where you
started, and all your work would be for
naught.
You could ruin a whole day and never
get anywhere.
Without the walker I have a good
chance of losing my balance and falling
down. With my luck, I would probably
break a hip, and we all know what happens
to the elderly when they break
a hip. Yes, they pack you off to “the
home.”
One winter, when we were in Myrtle
Beach, Diane noticed BB’s on the floor.
When she showed them to me I knew
that they were the bearings from my
walker wheels. The very fine, dust-like
sand from walking on the beach and
surf had gotten in the bearings and had
worn them out by consistent abrasion.
My walker was useless, and so was I.
Diane, blessing that she is, got on the
Internet and found replacement parts.
Within a week my walker was up and
running, and so was I.
Having a broken gyroscope is not any
fun. This is especially true at night.
Without a reference point being in the
dark can be very scary. I was fortunate
in this regard because I have been “in
the dark” (and clueless) for most of my
life, but a newcomer to this malady can
find it an experience not easy to forget.
There is another aspect to the “broken
gyroscope syndrome” that can be
very disconcerting. You will find that
you can sleep on one side with your
head on a pillow but not the other.
If I sleep on my right side
I’m fine and dandy but if I
roll over, I will get a spinning
sensation that will make me
completely disorientated and
sometimes even nauseous.
My sister Lucia (nee Lucy)
also had this problem but
found relief by going to a doctor
who got her on a couch that
was able to swivel and turn in
a number of directions. (Every
time I read this it reminds
me of a joke, but I can’t recall
what it is.)
The purpose was to allow the
granules in the inner ear to
reorient and reposition themselves
with the help of gravity
so she would, in effect fix her
gyroscope.
I tried this on my own but
found no relief.
Like all things on my body,
the granules in my inner ear
were either on strike or had
left for warmer parts.
As time goes by, I realize
that getting old can be hell. I
looked for “my golden days,”
but found that they were all
bronze.
Be good until we all meet
again, but if you get into trouble,
give me a call. Trouble is
my middle name.
HENRY GEERKEN is a three-time NYSUT
award-winner writing humorous
articles addressing retiree and
senior citizen concerns. Geerken also
writes for Sail-World, World Cruising
Newsletter, regarding his many
humorous sailing episodes through
the years. He can be reached by email
at hgeerken@stny.rr.com. “Senior
Scene” columns can be found at
www.thedailystar.com/seniorscene.
