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September 8, 2007

Life changes when children leave home

By Terry Hannum
Contributing Writer

It’s not that you have stopped being Mom and Dad; it’s just that the titles no longer define your real day (and night) job when the kids leave home. You are no longer the person in charge of reminding, the chore-request person, the total family shopper or the one who keeps track of your child’s health, nocturnal habits and important items on the schedule.

The nesting place of home is now empty and the impact can be profound on parents who have spent the past 18 years or more giving care to a child. The changes that take place at this pivotal point affect some parents much more than others.

Some guardians are saddened and feel loneliness, while others rejoice in the accomplishment of raising a child to this stage, and the new freedom it will bring into their own lives.

A parent who finds the emptynest change most difficult is typically a parent who has had a very close relationship with her child due to extreme family hardships they faced together, or a parent who is sending the youngest child of a large family off to work or college.

Kathy Greene of Hobart started saying her goodbyes to her son, Alex, after helping him pack belongings for the dorm where he will stay while attending the State University College of Agriculture and Technology at Cobleskill.

“I know that I will see him during some weekends, semester breaks and holidays and he still calls my house ‘home,’” she said, “but it won’t be the same.”

Several years ago, divorce brought Greene into the realm of single parenting through some difficult times she and Alex weathered together.

Proud and happy that Alex, who graduated in June from a high school in Pennsylvania, is now in college, there is still a feeling of emptiness that will take some getting use to, Greene said.

She plans to do some volunteer work for a church organization that has helped her in the past to fill in the void at her house, she added.

Experts in the field of family psychology emphasize that this is the key, knowing that it will take some getting used to, and that takes time. The natural state of being sad and feeling at a loss when a child goes off to college or relocates for work is valid _ change is difficult. Some parents may brush aside their feelings in social settings by boasting that the kids are finally, at long last, out of the house. That it’s time to celebrate, do what you want, finally get your life back are some ideas that might be voiced, but it also can be a false bravado in the face of loneliness.

For couples, the empty nest can be a time to renew interest in each other.

Child rearing is a binding goal for some, and when the job is somewhere near complete, the relationship can struggle mightily.

Re-establishing a closeness that is based on the relationship of husband and wife can be a strange experience and can be like starting anew.

Members of the Neuhaus family, who stayed in Delhi during the summer months, savored a relaxing lunch at the Crossroads Café before Don and Ellen traveled back to New Jersey, leaving their daughter Emily to attend college at the State University College of Technology at Delhi.

Both Don and Ellen admit to some sadness, but said mostly they will worry about her and the thousands of “what ifs…” they can’t help thinking about.

“It’s all part of the package when you begin with pregnancy and raising an infant; the responsibility, concern and love don’t stop when they leave,” Ellen said.

Websites and group support gatherings are not difficult to find for a condition called “Empty Nest Syndrome.”

It is a profound depression that can settle in with parents or caregivers who are faced with young adult children who have recently left home. The natural ability to “let go” does not readily take over and the person is left with regrets over their parenting skills or mistakes that were made, sometimes many years ago.

They can feel a significant loss of importance and status within the extended family and in society as modern culture does not always place a great deal of respect on aging people.

An empty and quiet household can act as a reminder to some parents of the nagging they did over trivial matters.

The regrets themselves do not serve any purpose but the awareness of petty complaints can bring a new level of patience and tolerance when the child returns home for visits. Up to this point in the child’s life, most parents involved themselves with at least some aspects of the youth’s life management.

Knowing that their children will make mistakes on their own, that these mistakes are part of a crucial learning experience, can help emptynester parents stay at a distance, allowing for errors to be made.

Celebration of change can be easier said than done for many parents who are new to the empty nest. But Marie Cantos of Jefferson said she is in the mood to celebrate.

The Cantos family’s middle child, John, is off to college at the University of Michigan.

This is a long way from home, and the family members have concerns and worries, along with knowing that they will miss him greatly _ but there is still cause for celebration. John will be the first in the family to attend college, and that is a source of tremendous pride, Cantos said.

She said that John has always helped with things around the house and helped his father with automotive repairs, so his contributions to the family will be missed. But nothing can replace their happiness that he is continuing his education and will someday be a college graduate, she said.

One of the greatest days of parenting can be the day that a child is ready to begin a life of independence.

All the protecting, care and teaching that a parent has done can be summarized on this day. Parents who have gone through the early days of the empty nest can usually be found laughing at the idea of their children being gone.

One father stated that he has seen more of his son and had more conversations with him since he “left home” than in the years they lived under the same roof.

A newly empty nest household is a place of change with redefining roles, establishing new relationships and accepting that this is a good and healthy state to be in.

The status of Mom and Dad has not changed, just the job description. The nest of home and family is never really empty because the young who have taken flight will always remember where the safety and support of home is.

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