I sit down to read an article of interest online and my nervous system trips over itself. I try to hear my teachers lecturing at school, but my nervous system hums and crackles while the words drip through my mind like thick muddy drops. The information isn’t fully processed.
That’s how it used to be.
Now I combine kinesthetic learning, visualization and lying on a big feather pillow on the floor during a lecture. Solid pressure from the floor on my front or back, oddly enough, helps me process auditory input.
Hi, this month’s article is being brought to you by me, all from the lovely little city of Ithaca and the Finger Lakes School of Massage.
You are well aware of my blindness, but what you don’t know is that I have another challenge. That challenge is called sensory integration dysfunction.
While I don’t believe I’m dysfunctional in any way beyond the average dysfunction of all humankind, I do have some barriers to overcome.
Sensory integration dysfunction is a new diagnosis for me, although it is believed to be something that has had an impact on me since childhood.
Now that I’m back in school, working toward becoming a licensed massage therapist, I have become very self-aware. I know what my struggles are; it’s just a matter of using my creative mind to find ways around my difficulties. Anything I do to help myself is a step out of this label of dysfunction and into personal empowerment.
I chose the Finger Lakes School of Massage because it makes the science part of the curriculum very hands-on. Pipe cleaners, glitter, construction paper, clay, glue and many other materials like that are common sights around our classroom. The other nice thing is that my teachers don’t mind if I lie on the floor while they talk. We have bean bags, therapy balls and other comfortable options in our room. There are some chairs and tables, but we aren’t obligated to sit at them.
Back to this thing called sensory integration dysfunction, though. I imagine you probably didn’t know I dealt with this.
It is a hidden disability. Nobody can see that I have it but I compensate for it daily.
You may notice something about me that is different, but since my disability is hidden, it could be easy to make a wrong assumption about me.
Aside from what I described at the very beginning, there are other things that deal with.
I have trouble in large groups of people because my nervous system is racing and buzzing all on its own. With the extra racing, buzzing and noise happening all around me, my sensory system gets overloaded and causes me to feel a lot of stress. I usually like to interact in small groups of three people or fewer. I don’t go out of my way to run away from large groups of people when I find myself in one, but there are times I choose not to attend an event in the first place if the point is to just go to be social with many people and in an active and noisy setting. Some might mistranslate all of this as “Kate is just anti-social.”
There are times when emotions and energy build up in my system because I don’t always make a connection or immediate connection with the trigger and the effect of that trigger on my nervous system. I regularly need to find a physical outlet for all that energy that has bunched up inside of me. Sometimes I fidget when there is no other way of letting off energy in the moment.
This may give people the idea that I’m a nervous person or perhaps that I’m just not listening to them.
I have trouble organizing a series of tasks in my head just as I have trouble organizing and synthesizing most data in my head. If I don’t write things down and make a plan, then I’m left to this chaotic method of brain organization and it’s very easy for me to forget something in the process or get completely sidetracked. People might notice my scattered nature when I go without a list or a plan and assume I have ADHD or that I’m generally just an irresponsible person. I’m neither of those things.
So I have a new label, but I make my life what I want it to be. And for me, it is very important that I not see myself as a piece of medical jargon or limit myself to the stereotypical “can do’s” or “can’t do’s” of my given disability. I’m in charge and I make the rules about what I am capable of.
Kate Pavlacka, a graduate of the State University College at Oneonta, has been totally blind for about a dozen years. Her columns can be found at www.thedailystar.com/disability.
disABILITY
disABILITY: You can’t live your life according to the labels placed upon you
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Living intentionally helps bring life under control
By Kate Pavlacka Life calls a lot.
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disABILITY: Flying is possible, even with full plate, if you take time for yourself
She turns a scrutinous eye on herself, looking for opportunities to grow, and taking cross sections of herself to examine her growth rings through time.
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disABILITY: Breaking free of schooling 'rules' opens new avenues for learning
By Kate Pavlacka I went back to school for massage in April, and, already, I am halfway done with the program and my 1,000 hours of hands-on experience.
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disABILITY: Varied interests not a sign of unfocused life; it's about self-awareness
By Kate Pavlacka Recently I was challenged to come up with my biggest passion in life, and while it took me 2½ weeks of extensive consideration of what that might be for me, I came to the realization that my big passion in life is self-awareness.
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disABILITY: 'Disability' is all a matter of how you look at, define it
By Kate Pavlacka
Don’t believe your thesaurus; it lies to you. -
disABILITY: Q&A on math, dreams, beauty, fear
By Kate Pavlacka
Here is the last edition of questions and answers. These are questions I’ve been asked by people of various ages through the years. The answers I share are from my perspective, experience and what I’ve learned over the years. -
disABILITY: Painfully updating my computer skills
As a blind computer user, I don’t use a mouse to navigate my way through program functions, menu systems or web pages. Instead, I use the keyboard for everything. I am able to use the number pad for a lot more than writing calculations. I also make use of the function keys and hot key combinations to get to different elements on a page.
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disABILITY: Make people focus on personality
It all started back in September. I was sitting on the floor of my living room with one of my female friends, moping around and exchanging stories of prior man troubles we both had experienced.
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disABILITY: Fear of change can be crippling
It may seem like an oxymoron, but within nature and life, change is a universal constant.
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disABILITY: Find child-like magic lost as adults
The price of having a child is high, but the rewards surpass any monetary value put on your little bundle of joy and energy.
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disABILITY: Disabled, able-bodied very much alike
Growing is a skill that takes time and effort; groaning, however, is only a reflex.
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disABILITY: 'Disabled' doesn't mean 'unskilled'
Did you know that blindness is the third-most feared thing in this country after AIDS and cancer, and keeps employment of the visually impaired limited to 26 percent of those ages 21 to 64?
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disABILITY: Perception, not sight, important in life
Would you rather be deaf or blind? That was a question posed on a website I was on recently.
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Living intentionally helps bring life under control
