One of the genuine joys of my job _ and golly, there are oh, so many _ is that I get to spend part of my work day trolling the Internet looking at stuff.
No, not that kind of stuff, and you ought to have your brain washed out with soap for even thinking such things.
What I troll for are obscure, interesting and informative news items on all kinds of subjects to slake my relentless thirst for knowledge.
The notion that somebody is actually paying me for what any self-respecting non-media business would consider wasting company time finds me hustling to the bank every payday to cash my check before somebody finds out how good I have it.
That said, sometimes taking in all this news can shake a fellow's confidence that everything is going to be all right and that I should stop digging that bomb shelter in the back yard.
For instance:
NEWS ITEM: A survey taken by Strategic Vision, a national research group hired by a conservative think-tank, asked 1,000 high school students in Oklahoma a few civics questions.
They weren't particularly difficult, lifted as they were from an actual exam foreigners have to take to become American citizens.
Want to know what percentage of the students could not answer this question correctly: "Who was the first president of the United States of America?"
No, you don't want to know.
I'll tell you, anyway. The survey showed that 75 percent of the scholars in Oklahoma public high schools could not come up with the correct answer.
George Washington: First in war. First in peace, and apparently the last person anyone might be taught about in Oklahoma.
I despair for the republic, remembering that those kids will soon be voters.
NEWS ITEM: If the world is going to dig its way out of the current economic mess, Japan's giant economy will have to be in the forefront. Entrusted with that awesome responsibility is the nation's new Prime Minister, Yukio Hatoyama.
Mr. Hatoyama's wife is named Miyuki.
Miyuki says she has traveled to the planet Venus and has been abducted by aliens.
Wait, there's more.
The 62-year-old first lady of Japan says she knew actor Tom Cruise in a previous life, and he was Japanese at the time.
No, I'm not making this up.
In her book published last year, "Very Strange Things I've Encountered," she described her abduction.
"While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus," she wrote. "It was a very beautiful place, and it was very green."
So, OK, just because his wife is a bit of a nutcase, that doesn't mean we should question the prime minister's judgment ... or does it?
They met while Miyuki was working in a Japanese restaurant in San Francisco. He was a graduate student at Stanford University. She was still married to her first husband.
"The average man chooses his mate from among unmarried women," Mr. Hatoyama boasted years later. "I chose mine from among all women."
I despair for the world's economy, and wonder what the weather is like on Venus this time of year.
NEWS ITEM: A priest, a rabbi, an imam and a Buddhist monk walk into a TV studio, see ...
No, it's not the start of a bad joke _ unless, of course, you happen to be a discerning viewer of Turkish television.
It's an actual TV program out of Istanbul called "Penitents Compete," and it has a lot of Muslim leaders all upset. Why Catholics, Jews and Buddhists aren't ticked off, too, is a bit curious when you consider what the show is about.
The idea is for the clergymen to try to convert 12 atheists through one-on-one talks, group discussions and visits to churches, temples and mosques.
Any sincere converts among the unholy dozen will win an all-expense-paid trip to Jerusalem, Mecca or Tibet, depending on which religion snags them.
Ali Bardakoglu, president of Turkey's Office of Religious Affairs, told Germany's Der Spiegel magazine that the show would be a "fatal error" and a "debasement of religion."
But Seyhan Soylu, a famous (in Turkey) transsexual Muslim who is producing the program that is scheduled to debut this month, sees it a bit differently.
"We want to help people find God," she said. "Where is the problem? We don't want to incite a religious war. We are giving the biggest prize in the world, the gift of belief in God. We don't approve of anyone being an atheist."
I despair for the world's religions and atheists alike, and find myself wondering whether some game show host will soon be asking an American contestant:
"You've achieved agnosticism. Now, would you like to go for the grand prize?"
I do love this job. I truly do.
Sam Pollak is editor of The Daily Star. He can be reached at spollak@thedailystar.com or at (607) 432-1000, ext. 208.
